Sexual Orientation

Finding out your Kids Sexual Orientation

Based on the gender someone is attracted to defines their sexual orientation. Sexual orientations are generally described as:

Straight/Heterosexual -attracted to the opposite sex
Gay/Lesbian/Homosexual -attracted to the same sex
Bisexual -attracted to members of both sexes

Is Sexual Orientation Something We Choose?

Most kids don’t start to feel any sexual arousal until they reach adolescence. Puberty is responsible for the hormonal changes—these changes involve the mind as well as the body. Physical arousal can occur by simply thinking of someone attractive. Dealing with these new feelings can be traumatic; they can be confusing, intense and overwhelming. Part of this discovery includes recognizing their sexual orientation. Most teens today are aware of LGBT—however, being straight, gay, or bisexual is not a choice people make consciously. There are gay people throughout ethnic backgrounds, all social, economic groups and nationalities. Researchers now believe that biological and genetic factors may be responsible to a certain degree. ... Read more

Two of the largest medical organizations, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the American Psychological Association (APA) posit that sexual orientation is just another aspect of a person’s nature.  It is neither an abnormality nor a mental disorder. There appears to be no evidence to support that parenting styles, how one is raised nor childhood experiences attribute to sexual orientation. Conversion therapy, efforts to change gay into straight has proven to be ineffective, and even harmful in some situations.

When do Kids “Know” their Orientation?

Kids and teens recognize their sexual orientation early --it's an abrupt awareness. Heterosexual and gay individuals experience crushes in much the same way. By the time they reach middle school, gay kids are aware of their sexual orientation, or at least aware that they are “different”; they may or may not reveal this to anyone.

Coping with one’s sexual orientation can be daunting and may take time. Kids are trying to sort it all out and make sense of their raging hormones and their emerging sexual feelings, often experimenting with both sexes to explore their sexuality.  Despite how some people think, feminine or masculine traits don’t necessarily determine someone’s orientation. Some kids have difficulty coping with their sexual orientation; other accept it more easily.

How do Gay Teens Feel?

Stressing about grades, sports, activitie3s, friends, college, sports, activities, friends, and fitting in, are all part of a teen’s life, regardless of their sexual orientation. However, they have to deal with an additional stress i.e. whether or not to hide their orientation, whether or not they will be hassled about being gay. They worry about being rejected, people being disappointed in them, discrimination as well as violence. Many keep their sexual orientation a secret.
Coping with their sexuality and sexual orientation may take time for gay teens. They will need to accept this facet of their identity before they can share it with others.” Coming out “takes courage, again for fear of rejection. However, many gay, and bisexual teens who are totally accepted by their families and are not shunned by their communities. A recent survey revealed that gay teens who had come out were happier and much less stressed than others who have kept it secret.

How Parents Transition

An adolescent’s emerging sexuality can be confusing for parents as well as their kids. Dealing with teen stresses as they leave childhood and start to enter adulthood is stressful in and of itself—dealing with gay sexual orientation introduces new concerns and challenges. Some parents feel that they may have done something in their teen’s childhood causing their child to be gay. As stated earlier, there is no evidence to support these concerns.

Some parents are unable to cope; they are often disappointed and upset, having difficulty in accepting their teen’s sexual orientation. Some may even react with hostility, anger and even rejection. However, most parents of gay kids just need time to assimilate and adjust. There are many support groups that can help with this assimilation.
Typically, kids don't spend a lot of time thinking about their gender. What feels normal for most kids, may not be true for everyone. Some kids may be born one sex, but “feel” like they should be the other—they are transgender. They feel” trapped” in the “wrong” body.

On Being Transgender

We all have a gender identity. Mostly, we feel what we are—male or female. However, transgender people feel different from their anatomical beings.  Society plays a big role in how we feel; there are rules and expectations of men and women and “acceptable” behavior; these vary in every culture.

Expectations regarding clothing, hairstyles, and jobs are evident. Transgender individuals possess a totally different sense of self and start sensing at the onset of puberty, perhaps later. Once transgender people become aware of the “mismatch”, they may become confused and conflicted. Some may choose to transform their bodies through surgery.  Some simply choose to cross-dress and use the feminine or masculine variation of their name. Transgender people face many challenges—those who live their lives as the other gender face such things as which restroom to use or whether to check "female" or "male” on a form.

Sexual Orientation vs. Gender Identity

Being transgender is about gender identity — the gender someone identifies with
Being gay or lesbian is about sexual orientation — the gender someone is attracted to
Transgender people can be straight, gay, or bisexual
Helping Your Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Teens
Support – that is the single best thing you can offer a child who has sexual orientations that don’t align with your belief system. It's important for parents to react with love and understanding even when the news is unexpected or difficult to hear. Even if you can’t provide 100% support, even slight acceptance is beneficial.

Support your child

In an article in Psychology Today, Tips on Coping with Your Teen’s Sexual Orientation, Dr. Erlanger A Turner Ph.D. states, “The world can be a rough place, particularly for adolescents whose parents have rejected them.  Having supportive, accepting parents is often best antidote for the mental health challenges that LGB youth face.  Parental rejection can exacerbate depression among LGB youth and is a significant risk factor for suicide and risky sexual behavior among this population.  Regardless of parents’ personal and religious beliefs, behaving in ways that avoid or minimize rejecting their gay, lesbian, or bisexual child is critical to helping these teens avoid harm.  Parents may also wish to seek therapeutic support for their gay child who is being bullied, depressed, or facing other negative circumstances because they are gay.”