I had a dream. My dream was to get married to the love of my life and have a family. I lived the good life in my 20's. I worked in the music industry, hung out with rock stars and just had fun. When I reached 30, I knew it was time to say goodbye to the single days and get married.
At 30, I met my husband. Three months later we were engaged and ten months later we were married. Five months after we said "I do", we found out I was pregnant. Two of my biggest dreams were coming true in one year! How lucky I felt.
I had a long and exhausting pregnancy. I didn't exercise. I didn't eat well. I lived off of Jerry's Deli chocolate chip cookies and pasta. I was sick a lot. I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down. I'd wake up hours later and not know hwat had happened to the day or if I remembered to eat or drink. The days became a blur. The one thing I always thought was "OMG, I HAVEN'T FELT THE BABY MOVE IN AN HOUR. I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL." I was obsessed. I would sit down and wonder how my unborn son was doing in my stomach every second of every day.
I knew what depression and OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) were. I expereienced it at age 19 when I had to leave college and stay in bed for months while we figured out what medication would work for me. But, I was stable and good to go for years. I stayed on my one anti-depressant while I was pregnant. The doctor said it was safe.
What I did not see was how bad my OCD had gotten while I was pregnant. I drove my husband crazy and my marriage was falling apart. I also drove my OBGYN crazy since I was calling her multiple times a day. I had too many ultrasounds to make sure the baby was still in there alive.
After I found out that my doctor was going to be out of town on the day I was due, I decided to get induced so she could deliver my baby. This was my OCD talking. I needed to have control over everything. As my husband and I drove to the hospital on May 13th, 2008 to deliver the baby, we were calm. After all, we knew what was going to happen. I would be given something called Pitocin, which helps induce labor. I knew I wanted an epidural. Then we just thought I'd push, and our beautiful baby would finally be with us. Our lives would be even more complete. Our dreams fulfilled.
We had it all wrong! Epidurals, Pitocian, drugs. Pushing, not pushing. Episiotomy. Two days later, my son was born. I was exhausted and in tremendous pain but I was happy he was finally with us. The first day was fine. The second day was great. We had lots of visitors and I fell in love with this little angel. I was tired but I was happy he was with us. Lots of happy pictures were taken with family and friends.
On the third morning, we were released from the hospital. Besides some pain, I was ok. I was eating and sleeping. I was also in love. The first night home, the three of us went to bed. The next morning, the old Lindsay was back. As I went downstairs to see my parents(who were staying with us), I suddenly wanted to cry. I sat down on the couch and just stared at the floor. Here we go again. I was depressed.
But this time, I had a baby to take care of. I looked at my mother. She saw it. No more eating, no more sleeping, no more happy Lindsay. I could handle that. But, what I couldn't handle was how I now felt with my son. I loved him. I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't. And, the internal voices had started: How am I supposed to care for this baby? I can't do this. I need a do over. I shouldn't have had a baby yet. I just want him to be two years old. I heard that at two it gets easier. I would beg for the emotional and physical pain to just be over. That was the beginning of my journey with PPD.
Eight years later my son is beautiful, smart, and so sweet. He went through a lot but he became a rockstar -- more so than the ones I used to work with. Me however, I'm still working on it. I still have postpartum OCD and anxiety. Since I did not maintain my therapy to work on the guilt and pain I was going through I also formed PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder). Now that I know that I need to take medication, go to therapy, eat right and sleep right. Every day is a work in prgress.
The years after I had Hunter I met Jamielyn Lippman and Tanya Newbould, two women who were producing a documentary on PPD. They interviewed me. It felt so great to be heard and to tell my story. I also volunteered at Postpartum Support International. I knew that others could learn from my experiences.
Now I'm a subject, co-producer, and along with film's narrator Brooke Shields, Executive Producer of "When the Bough Breaks" -- a documentary abotu postpartum depression. It is a film designed to blow the lid off of this silent condition; a film that will raise awareness about this illness that aftfects 1 in 7 new mothers.
We reveal the stories of some incredibly brave women with PPD ranging from the baby blues to postpartum psychosis. It asks the questionst aht need to be answered: Why do more women not know about PPD before they have a baby? Why do OBGYN, pediatricians, and hospitals not inform new mothers about PPD? Why do hospitals not provide support to women giving birth for the first time? What options of recovery are there? There are so many qestions which have previously gone unanswered. This film will answer those questions.
I am also excited to begin my new journey leading a PPD support group along with Dr. Jill Campbell at the Pump Station in Santa Monica. Our class begins October 28th: http://bit.ly/2eQGOU1
When the Bough Breaks trailer -> http://bit.ly/1Y59XuH
When the Bough Breaks Film -> http://bit.ly/2g3x5eU
When the Bough Breaks Facebook page -> http://bit.ly/28VrLqx
