Getting to know your child can be a separate parenting task all in itself! There are times when simply asking your child what is going on with them will produce little to no conversation at all. And then there are times when your child is a verbal water hose, letting out everything that is going on in their life all at once. But no matter which way your child chooses to talk to you, it can be overwhelming to know how to process what they’re saying or what they’re not saying! So, what can you do to learn about your child and still be able to be present for them when (or if) they choose to open up to you?
One way to accomplish this while also enhancing your relationship is to be proactive about how you show them that you value your relationship with them! A recent study showed that quality, not quantity, is a better determinant of positive outcomes for your child’s development. Within that study, they looked at “engaged” time – time when a parent was interacting with their child – and found that it is more important to spend quality time where you two are engaging with each other than “accessible” time – where you are spending time around your child but are not doing a lot of engaging. The study also explained that being a good enough parent is not about obsessing over how much you spend time with your child, but what you do when you spend time with your child. Essentially, this study is encouraging your to actively illustrate how much you value your parent-child relationship!
In the interest of being intentional when you express how much you value your relationship wth your child, here are 5 tips that you can use to date your child intentionally:
- Schedule dates: This may feel like a no-brainer, but when schedules get full and to-do lists get long it can be difficult to remember that you and your child were supposed to go to lunch together. When first starting out, I suggest going on two dates a month and putting them in your schedule along with your other appointments like field trips, doctor’s visits, and game tournaments.
- Take turns picking activities: Part of dating your child is to develop a relationship where you both get to know more about each other. It’s not just about your child getting to do what they love, but it’s also about showing your child what you love. When you take turns to show each other your interests, you have things to talk about and share with each other between dates.
- Don’t get too heavy: I encourage you to have fun on your dates together. Don’t try to use that time to get information about what your child is up to and don’t use it as a punishment/reward. This is time that you spend building your relationship and enjoying each other’s company. If something does come up that both of you agree to talk about, then go for it. But if one or both of you would rather not have that discussion then, hold it off for another time.
- Pick different days for each child: If you have more than one child, give each child their own date. This could get hectic the more children you have, but doing so will allow each child the chance to show you who they are and what they enjoy. Also, unless it’s serious, refrain from talking about the other sibling(s) on your date. Remind your child that the date is about you two getting to know each other.
- Use feedback: After you’ve had a date, set some time aside to talk about it. You don’t have to get in depth, and you can do it on the way back home from your date. But take a minute to talk about what was awesome and not so awesome about the date. You can talk about things like if there was something that either of you could focus on more or less, if you could pick a better place for the date, or if something really unexpected happened that was funny. Whatever you discuss, make it about having more fun and being more connected on your dates as opposed to a forum to complain about the date.
At the end of the day, displaying how you value this awesome relationship with your kid will move you closer to understanding your child and how they are developing socially, emotionally, and mentally. And when it comes to quality time engaging and interacting with your child, there’s really no better way than to simply hang out with them!
