Disciplining a teenager is one of the most challenging parts of being a parent, but we know it has to be done for the good of their teens. This parenting task is even more challenging when it's a teenager that you've adopted because you want them to feel loved and you're worried about pushing them away.
There are many issues that adopted children face that you have to deal with as an adoptive parent and this is one of them. Don’t worry though, there are ways to let your child know when they have done something wrong, punish them for their behavior, and then move on in a healthy way.
1. Set Up a Behavior Contract
One of the first things you can do is sit down with your teen and write out a behavior contract for them to sign. Having in writing what's expected of them can go a long way towards ensuring they follow the rules.
Teens are more likely to follow behavior guidelines if they have a say in what happens. In other words, don't just lay down the laws and refuse to listen to what your adopted teen has to say about it, or their concerns. Maybe sign a contract yourself so that you know what your child would like to see you do.
2. Try Not to Make the Rules Excessive
While this might be a tough one for many parents, you need to follow the old adage about picking your battles. You're not going to win every fight with your teen, but you do want to try to win the war. Remember in the end, your rules are about keeping your teen healthy, safe, and happy. You're doing everything you can to make those three things happen. That can take shape in many forms, from making appointments with reputable therapists, to ensuring they are fed, clothed, and able to do things they want to do.
However, you also want a positive relationship with your teen, so they aren't afraid to come to you with their problems. Setting an excessive amount of rules can easily lead to them thinking of you as more of an enforcer than a loving parent.
3. Never Shame Your Teen
It seems like shaming has become a trend in parenting, and it's a very dangerous one for any parent to follow. In some instances, parents are even posting videos to the internet about the things their kids have done wrong and the action taken. Do not fall into this trap. All it does is make the teenager in question feel humiliated and will make them resent you for your own actions.
You're better off using positive reinforcement methods, and if those don't work keeping what your teen has done in your family, not putting it out for the whole world to see and comment on. Remember, you don’t want to have an adversarial relationship with your child.
4. Compliments and Positive Reinforcement Helps
Discipline and making sure your teen follows the rules doesn't have to be all about behavior contracts and grounding them for things they've done wrong. Believe it or not, compliments and positive reinforcement works just as well with most teenagers. It makes sense, right? Would you want a relationship with someone who is always criticizing you and never praising you?
Help your teen work towards their goals and compliment them when they work towards them, themselves. You'll be surprised how much it helps, even if they shrug off the praise in the beginning.
5. Listen When Your Teen Talks
Many parents are guilty of hearing their teens when they talk, but not truly listening to what their teens are saying. Open your ears, sit down, and address their concerns. Remember, they are individuals that have a right to voice their concerns and beliefs, just as you do. They have a right to be heard and even when it’s tough, you should listen. And make sure you aren’t defensive when they talk about something you have done to upset them.
Remember, while setting rules is essential to the health and safety of your teen, a little leeway can be given as well.
