When you have a selfish partner

Dr. John Gray offers suggestions for women who feel their partners are selfish
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When you have a selfish partner

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Quite often as a marriage counselor the number one thing I hear from women is that they feel neglected by their partner. He is not attentive. He is not helpful. He seems self-centered. And she wants to know what can she do to change him. The answer is stop trying to change him. Instead, start changing yourself. What do I mean by that? What I mean by that is start focusing on things that can make you happy, stop telling him what makes you unhappy, focus on your happiness, and if he can help your happiness, which he can, learn to convert your complaints into requests. This is the most important skill for women. It is not that you have to suppress everything, just don´t complain. Instead, focus more on things to make you happy so you are looking to him for all your happiness and you are not making him responsible for your unhappiness. We all have to be responsible for what we feel inside. And so, find happiness inside and certainly you look to your partner to be happier. But again, don´t look to change him but instead look to motivate him. And sometimes women think if I have to motivate him, then he doesn´t love me. And that´s just not true. We all need motivation, particularly men. So what you have to do is practice asking him for what you want. Start in small increments. Be specific. Don´t simply be general like hey, do you want to go out to dinner tonight. He will say no, I would rather stay home and have you cook me a meal. Tell him what you want, not ask him what he wants. So you have to be specific. It is learning new language skills. Be specific. Be precise. If you take me out to dinner tonight, it would make me really happy. That´s a man´s major motivator is a woman being happy. And when a woman has a long list of complaints, a man will lose motivation. So that is not to be shared with him. You can share that with girlfriends, so you get the empathy, the understanding. But with him, you go with specific requests and create opportunities for him to give you more support and more support. Gradually, he will learn that by doing more, it makes you happier and he will be more motivated as long as you continue to ask.

Dr. John Gray offers suggestions for women who feel their partners are selfish

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John Gray, PhD

Best-Selling Author

John Gray is the leading relationship expert in the world. His relationship and health books have sold over 50 million copies in 50 different languages. His groundbreaking book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, is the best-selling non-fiction book of all time.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance. His many books, videos, workshops and seminars provide practical insights to effectively manage stress and improve relationships at all stages of life and love.

John also travels the world teaching communities and companies the best ways to improve their relationships and communication. He has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show many times as well as The Dr. Oz Show, The Today Show, CBS Morning Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show, The View, and many others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today and People.

John Gray lives in Northern California with his wife of 29 years, Bonnie. They have three grown daughters and four grandchildren. He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.

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Transcription: 
Quite often as a marriage counselor the number one thing I hear from women is that they feel neglected by their partner. He is not attentive. He is not helpful. He seems self-centered. And she wants to know what can she do to change him. The answer is stop trying to change him. Instead, start changing yourself. What do I mean by that? What I mean by that is start focusing on things that can make you happy, stop telling him what makes you unhappy, focus on your happiness, and if he can help your happiness, which he can, learn to convert your complaints into requests. This is the most important skill for women. It is not that you have to suppress everything, just don´t complain. Instead, focus more on things to make you happy so you are looking to him for all your happiness and you are not making him responsible for your unhappiness. We all have to be responsible for what we feel inside. And so, find happiness inside and certainly you look to your partner to be happier. But again, don´t look to change him but instead look to motivate him. And sometimes women think if I have to motivate him, then he doesn´t love me. And that´s just not true. We all need motivation, particularly men. So what you have to do is practice asking him for what you want. Start in small increments. Be specific. Don´t simply be general like hey, do you want to go out to dinner tonight. He will say no, I would rather stay home and have you cook me a meal. Tell him what you want, not ask him what he wants. So you have to be specific. It is learning new language skills. Be specific. Be precise. If you take me out to dinner tonight, it would make me really happy. That´s a man´s major motivator is a woman being happy. And when a woman has a long list of complaints, a man will lose motivation. So that is not to be shared with him. You can share that with girlfriends, so you get the empathy, the understanding. But with him, you go with specific requests and create opportunities for him to give you more support and more support. Gradually, he will learn that by doing more, it makes you happier and he will be more motivated as long as you continue to ask.