Getting past failure in a relationship

Dr. John Gray describes how couples can move past resentment and hurt in a relationship
Parenting and Family Advice | Getting past failure and resentment in a relationship
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Getting past failure in a relationship

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We all want to be the best parents we can for our children, and if we are harboring resentments, it is just the tension children will always feel. What we want to do is let go of our resentments and find forgiveness. And one of the greatest challenges is if your partner has had an affair and you choose to stay together and make it a better relationship than what it was before. And when I look at this, I often see the person who has felt rejected, betrayed and hurt and they feel entitled to continue feeling that way as if their partner can somehow miraculously take away that hurt. Once we have been hurt, as long as our partner changes their behavior, it is our responsibility to heal that hurt. Unfortunately, most people don´t know how to. A little perspective can help us. I was on a vacation with my wife in the Galapagos Islands where the turtles live beyond 100 years old. And they were selling t-shirts of two old turtles, and the woman turtle is saying to the man turtle and the man turtle is talking to the woman turtle. And he is saying to his wife honey, the affair was 97 years ago. Can we finally let it go? How long are we going to hold onto the hurt and resentment? Because as long as we hold onto the hurt and resentment, we are putting a wedge in our relationship. Yes, the partner who had the affair caused it, but now the person who is wounded needs to heal it. And that is just as important of a responsibility to let it go. It does take time to heal a wound. Just as if somebody were to punch me, I would have a bruise. It would take time to heal. Someone knocks out my ribs. It is going to take time to heal. But it can heal, and it can only heal if we take responsibility for our hurt because we have that healing ability. Now if someone has bruised me and I keep saying I am bruised because of you and because of you, then that bruise won´t heal on an emotional level. Yes, you bruised me but now I am responsible for the healing process. And that´s a process of maybe going through levels of grief, which is your dream of the perfect marriage is over. But then you have the reality of finding forgiveness and loving someone even though they made a mistake. And when we can accept our partner has made a mistake and we can create transformation in our own hearts and heal, we become the best parents for our children.

Dr. John Gray describes how couples can move past resentment and hurt in a relationship

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Expert Bio

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John Gray, PhD

Best-Selling Author

John Gray is the leading relationship expert in the world. His relationship and health books have sold over 50 million copies in 50 different languages. His groundbreaking book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, is the best-selling non-fiction book of all time.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance. His many books, videos, workshops and seminars provide practical insights to effectively manage stress and improve relationships at all stages of life and love.

John also travels the world teaching communities and companies the best ways to improve their relationships and communication. He has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show many times as well as The Dr. Oz Show, The Today Show, CBS Morning Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show, The View, and many others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today and People.

John Gray lives in Northern California with his wife of 29 years, Bonnie. They have three grown daughters and four grandchildren. He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.

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Transcription: 
We all want to be the best parents we can for our children, and if we are harboring resentments, it is just the tension children will always feel. What we want to do is let go of our resentments and find forgiveness. And one of the greatest challenges is if your partner has had an affair and you choose to stay together and make it a better relationship than what it was before. And when I look at this, I often see the person who has felt rejected, betrayed and hurt and they feel entitled to continue feeling that way as if their partner can somehow miraculously take away that hurt. Once we have been hurt, as long as our partner changes their behavior, it is our responsibility to heal that hurt. Unfortunately, most people don´t know how to. A little perspective can help us. I was on a vacation with my wife in the Galapagos Islands where the turtles live beyond 100 years old. And they were selling t-shirts of two old turtles, and the woman turtle is saying to the man turtle and the man turtle is talking to the woman turtle. And he is saying to his wife honey, the affair was 97 years ago. Can we finally let it go? How long are we going to hold onto the hurt and resentment? Because as long as we hold onto the hurt and resentment, we are putting a wedge in our relationship. Yes, the partner who had the affair caused it, but now the person who is wounded needs to heal it. And that is just as important of a responsibility to let it go. It does take time to heal a wound. Just as if somebody were to punch me, I would have a bruise. It would take time to heal. Someone knocks out my ribs. It is going to take time to heal. But it can heal, and it can only heal if we take responsibility for our hurt because we have that healing ability. Now if someone has bruised me and I keep saying I am bruised because of you and because of you, then that bruise won´t heal on an emotional level. Yes, you bruised me but now I am responsible for the healing process. And that´s a process of maybe going through levels of grief, which is your dream of the perfect marriage is over. But then you have the reality of finding forgiveness and loving someone even though they made a mistake. And when we can accept our partner has made a mistake and we can create transformation in our own hearts and heal, we become the best parents for our children.