No matter what behavior your child is exhibiting but let's talk specifically about negative or pesky behavior or challenges you have with your kids, the propensity is for a parent to think I need to change my child. I say, good luck with that. Because the last time I checked we have very little influence in changing anyone else. So how do we help kids change? Well if you think about it in terms of connection, the children are learning about themselves through the relationship they have with their parents. Whatever I respond to tends to cement in my child's mind tends to cement as something important, something they should do more of. If I've labeled them lazy, and I talk to them about, you've got to be more motivated, you've got to do your homework, and if you don't there are going to be consequences, the child sees himself as the lazy child in the house. But what if I change my focus? What if I start talking to him about all of his strengths? What if I start talking to him about the times that he is focused, the times that he shows compassion, the times that eh stays on task, the time that he uses determination, the times that he shows respect for people that didn't show him respect? What if I started to focus on all of that? Does it seem reasonable that he would change? Absolutely. Because when people are feeding us all of our strengths, when they start talking to us about all of the things that we have going for us, we tend to see ourselves as that kind of person. And so we want to be more of that. And those small challenges - an unfocused child, a snarky kid, or a disorganized child, it doesn't seem to take up so much brain space anymore, and they can start to experience something different. But only if the parent is willing to change their response to the child.