The single, most important relationship any one of us will have is the one we build with our parents. Among all the other relationships that will come and go in our lifetimes, the bond between a parent and child is one that cannot be undone or thrown away!
When working with families, the idea that anything can be done in the home without a strong bond between the parent and the child is completely erroneous. Did you notice how I made “parent” and “child” singular? That’s because even in a two parent home with multiple children, there has to be a unique relationship between each parent and each child. Sound difficult? Well, let’s look at how to build that strong, unique bond.
1. Being interested in your child
Can you remember a time when everything your child did was something to stop and talk about? That’s an interest that should remain even through their adulthood. It can be fun to be interested in a young child’s enthusiasm. But, sometimes, as life gets more complicated and children get older and more detached from the family, it is easy to forget that everything your child does is interesting. Take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to just talk about everyone’s day. If your child gets in the habit of knowing that their daily lives are of interest to their parents, parents don’t have to try as hard as the child ages to get information about what their child is doing.
2. Listening without judgment
Just as remaining interested in your child as they age is integral to developing the parent-child bond, so is listening to your child’s life without judgment. Each day our children will make decisions that may or may not be the best or the smartest. But, by listening without judgment, you are giving your child the space to discuss what was good about the decision and what wasn’t do good; you’re helping your child learn that by talking it out, they can find better solutions and make better decisions in the future. This helps build trust between the parent and child. And, it helps your child learn that they can come to you, their parents, for advice and insight.
3. Everyone makes mistakes
Taking time to acknowledge your mistakes as a family will help normalize the oftentimes embarrassing feelings that arise when we make the wrong decision. Sometimes parents chastise their child for making mistakes because they are scared that their child will never learn from these bad decisions. But, the contrary is actually more helpful: Focusing less on the mistake and more on the lesson behind the decision is more conducive to learning than shaming and blaming. Take time to help your child work through the negative feelings of a decision and then guide them to learning how to make the best of the mistake.
4. Taking care of yourself
One of the best ways to develop a strong parent-child bond is to learn what it means to care for you, parents. When a parent can find support in other support systems outside their home [such as parent support groups, religious organizations, or adult friendships] they are less likely to take out their stress on their children. Another benefit, you’re modeling for your children what it means to take care of themselves when they need to manage their feelings. A parent who knows when to ask for support and knows how to ask for support is a parent who can handle the stressors that come with parenting a child [whether the child has difficult behaviors or not]!
There are so many ways to help build a strong parent-child bond. But, these few steps are some of the most important steps because they focus on the basic foundation of a relationship: listening, trust, empathy, and support. When a parent and child have a foundation based on these four elements, the bond can withstand almost anything!
Mercedes Stanley, MSW is the founder of The Parenting Skill, a parenting skills program and blog that takes parents from feelings of frustration and desperation to feeling of empowerment and confidence. Mercedes is also a leading parenting expert with certification in several prominent parenting skills curriculums, including Nonviolent Parenting. She is also a clinical therapist at the Los Angeles Child Guidance Clinic in Los Angeles, CA working with families and children with severe emotional disturbances (SED). She received her MSW from the University of Southern California and BA in Psychology from UCLA. You can read more about her parenting expertise at http://theparentingskill.com.
