Does an affair mean divorce?

Dr. John Gray talks about how an affair doesn't always mean divorce, and why forgiveness can strengthen a relationship
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Does an affair mean divorce?

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Today it is more and more common for people to have affairs, not just for men, but for women as well. And unfortunately, there is a kind of a sense that if my partner has an affair, then we have to get a divorce. And where does that idea come from? It comes from a place of can´t we find forgiveness, can´t we look at what the problem was that led our partner to that, and that´s what we have to learn is that there. One book I really enjoyed reading and telling people about is written by a woman who said my husband´s affair was the greatest thing that ever happened to me because it was after that affair that they went to therapy and they found out why their relationship wasn´t working. And they were able to find real forgiveness and real love for each other. Because usually when there are affairs, there are problems and people are not looking at those problems. And for some people there are problems and finally when there is an affair, it is excuse. Now I can tell the world why I am going to leave this partner because they had an affair as opposed to now I am going to challenge myself and find out what went wrong in our relationship, can we make it work and can we find forgiveness. And that´s the whole key to everybody growing up. In truth, you can´t know what real love is until your heart is broken. I remember back to the seventh year of our marriage and we were making love, and it was fantastic. I like to talk about it. So I said to her. I said wow, that was as good as in the beginning. And she said that was better. I said how can that be better. And she said because in the beginning you didn´t really know me. Now you have seen the the best of me and the worst of me, and you adore me. That´s what makes it great. And that was an epiphany for me because at that moment I realized it was better because I knew who I was making love to. We were connected. And I had seen the worst of her and the best of her, and now we were coming together in real love which is based upon not expecting someone to be perfect but to realize all humans make mistakes and part of love is learning to forgive, accept and grow.

Dr. John Gray talks about how an affair doesn't always mean divorce, and why forgiveness can strengthen a relationship

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John Gray, PhD

Best-Selling Author

John Gray is the leading relationship expert in the world. His relationship and health books have sold over 50 million copies in 50 different languages. His groundbreaking book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, is the best-selling non-fiction book of all time.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance. His many books, videos, workshops and seminars provide practical insights to effectively manage stress and improve relationships at all stages of life and love.

John also travels the world teaching communities and companies the best ways to improve their relationships and communication. He has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show many times as well as The Dr. Oz Show, The Today Show, CBS Morning Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show, The View, and many others. He has been profiled in Time, Forbes, USA Today and People.

John Gray lives in Northern California with his wife of 29 years, Bonnie. They have three grown daughters and four grandchildren. He is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice.

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Transcription: 
Today it is more and more common for people to have affairs, not just for men, but for women as well. And unfortunately, there is a kind of a sense that if my partner has an affair, then we have to get a divorce. And where does that idea come from? It comes from a place of can´t we find forgiveness, can´t we look at what the problem was that led our partner to that, and that´s what we have to learn is that there. One book I really enjoyed reading and telling people about is written by a woman who said my husband´s affair was the greatest thing that ever happened to me because it was after that affair that they went to therapy and they found out why their relationship wasn´t working. And they were able to find real forgiveness and real love for each other. Because usually when there are affairs, there are problems and people are not looking at those problems. And for some people there are problems and finally when there is an affair, it is excuse. Now I can tell the world why I am going to leave this partner because they had an affair as opposed to now I am going to challenge myself and find out what went wrong in our relationship, can we make it work and can we find forgiveness. And that´s the whole key to everybody growing up. In truth, you can´t know what real love is until your heart is broken. I remember back to the seventh year of our marriage and we were making love, and it was fantastic. I like to talk about it. So I said to her. I said wow, that was as good as in the beginning. And she said that was better. I said how can that be better. And she said because in the beginning you didn´t really know me. Now you have seen the the best of me and the worst of me, and you adore me. That´s what makes it great. And that was an epiphany for me because at that moment I realized it was better because I knew who I was making love to. We were connected. And I had seen the worst of her and the best of her, and now we were coming together in real love which is based upon not expecting someone to be perfect but to realize all humans make mistakes and part of love is learning to forgive, accept and grow.