Adopted child says you're not his or her real family

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Adopted child says you're not his or her real family

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Children often get angry at their parents and then take out what I call the adoption weapon. They say, "You're not even my real mom and dad," or, "This isn't my real family and I don't have to listen to you." It's important for parents to make the distinction between what the meaning of what the child has said and the actions that resulted in her getting angry, what caused her anger. Not to be sidetracked, at least initially, by the child's use of the adoption weapon. Deal with what made the child angry first, and then afterwards you can say, "You know, you talked about this not being your real family or I'm not your real mom or I'm not your real dad. Talk to me a little bit about more what you meant by that. Sounds like you're having some thoughts and some feelings about being adopted." Keep those issues separate.

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David Brodzinsky, PhD

Psychologist & Author

David Brodzinsky is Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology and Director of the Foster Care Counseling Project at Rutgers University. He also maintains an active private practice serving the clinical needs of children and families, including individuals who are part of the adoption triad. Brodzinsky has written and lectured extensively in the fields of developmental and clinical psychology and is an internationally known expert in the field of adoption. He is co-author of such well-known books as, The Psychology of Adoption, Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, and Children's Adjustment to Adoption: Developmental and Clinical Issues.

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Transcription: 
Children often get angry at their parents and then take out what I call the adoption weapon. They say, "You're not even my real mom and dad," or, "This isn't my real family and I don't have to listen to you." It's important for parents to make the distinction between what the meaning of what the child has said and the actions that resulted in her getting angry, what caused her anger. Not to be sidetracked, at least initially, by the child's use of the adoption weapon. Deal with what made the child angry first, and then afterwards you can say, "You know, you talked about this not being your real family or I'm not your real mom or I'm not your real dad. Talk to me a little bit about more what you meant by that. Sounds like you're having some thoughts and some feelings about being adopted." Keep those issues separate.