In the case of adopted children, at some point they may grow curious about their adoptive parents. This typically happens when children are old enough to understand the circumstances behind how a child could be put up for adoption. There is enough self-awareness and sense of identity where underlying feelings of rejection may linger, and the child wants answers. Psychologist David Brodzinksi suggests encouraging and validating children who wish to seek out birth parents. Such acknowledgement of the child’s curiosity helps validate their feelings and “affirms the child’s connection to both families.”
Because of the Internet, information is easily accessible. It is highly unlikely that a family who put a child up for adoption will stay anonymous if their birth child seeks them out. Therefore, according to Dr. Gregory Keck, if a child wants to find their birth parents, that instinct should be encouraged.
Dr. Keck encourages a child in this position to speak to a professional in order to prepare for the possible outcomes of seeking out birth parents. Adopted children often develop a fantasy of finding their biological parents and having a happy reunion. This is certainly a possibility. In some cases, an adopted child who sought contact with the birth family establishes communication and enjoys regular contact. This, however, is only one of many other potential reactions. Speaking with a professional will help prepare them for all other possible scenarios, one of which being the birth parents not wanting to reunite at all.
Children may wish for the happy reunion to alleviate any feelings of abandonment or rejection. Unfortunately, there is a possibility those feelings will be worsened if they receive word the birth parent does not want to meet. The birth mother may have given the child up for adoption out of necessity and does not wish any reminders of what was a painful time in her life. In another possibility, the birth mother may have a new family of her own, and does not wish to disrupt her current life with something she thought she left in the past. In either of these cases, the adoptive child may feel even more rejected and abandoned. As Dr. Keck describes it, they “feel rejected all over again.” Faced with a renewed sense of abandonment, adopted children may feel hurt or traumatized. Parents can help their adoptive children by reassuring them of their love and support.
